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I had nightmares last night,
and today I listened to Neva Dinova,
and I felt like his voice.
There's a bomb going off,
out in the yard of the house,
when we worked so hard to pull all the weeds out...
Get back.
Maybe we started dating too soon. Your loose ends weren't even tied up, and still don't seem to be. Maybe I should have let you take care of that first. What are the chances that I was single? How did you even manage to catch me between boys? What if I would have been dating someone?
I've never chosen anyone over you.
I've never chosen anyone over you.
I've never chosen anyone over you.
Imagine me poetically breaking up with you in a myspace comment and then disappearing. Just
gone
for a year and a half. Dating some guy you think is crap. Dating xxxxx for christsakes.
The reason I'm usually okay is the same reason I'm okay with everything else from my past. Those days are missing from the calendar in my head. Those days are colored over with a black permanent marker, blocked in, locked out, safely contained in an unopenable file cabinet in the recesses of my mind.
But something leaks out, occasionally. Something manages to get to me. Sometimes I just think of how I felt, how I read your words over and over and how useless I felt, and how wrong I felt, and how I knew then that I could never do anything right.
I made you leave me.
I made you leave me.
I made you leave me.
My mind gets stuck on a simple sentence and won't let go, it repeats and repeats until finally sleep shows some mercy and visits my closed eyelids and my tensed shoulders.
I couldn't make you stay.
The thought of you, and the thought of her...and how she didn't even deserve you, you know, she didn't even treat you right.
Or is that just something you tell me to make this okay? Was she not begging for your forgiveness at the very same time we started exchanging cute little small talk?
Was that familiar for you, is that how you always plan on doing it? Will it always be that easy for you to slide from one girl into the next?
"i was driving behind an old truck today so old it had a wooden tailgate. the driver was pretty old too and i saw the silhouette of his dog in the passenger seat and i thought, you know, that's me in 40 years, my dog beside me in a beat-up truck. i won't need anyone else just like i don't need them now, kind of like how i don't need you either. i was thinking about it earlier, when i took a shower because i couldn't sleep, i thought "this is me washing you away." down my shoulders, hips, calves, off you go with every drop. every single fucking drop i'm just trying to make them rinse you off. maybe it worked, probably not, but whether it did or didn't i'm pretending i'm over it, over you, this is me not caring when you don't call me back."
Ah, how easy it was for you! I am easy to leave behind, aren't I? I am so for away and I demand so much effort and oh goddamnit, look at me, I don't even appreciate you, do I, tarnishing your name in my Livejournal like I do. Goddamnit, I don't even appreciate you. Yeah, I'm sure it was easy to leave that behind. I'm sure Amanda played a swift and convincing seduction, I'm sure you willingly closed your eyes to me and my distasteful words.
But would you look at that? Want to analyze that one more time? Want to get more out of it than only what your selfish eyes forced you to deduce? It is so obviously a cry, asking for your attention, it is a PLEA. I am BEGGING you to let it work.
But no. My plea is ignored, attacked even, the catalyst for your words serving to break us apart.
"i hope that you read all of this
i hope that you think of me
as you thought of me then
i hope this clears my name in your head
so that i am not cursed anywhere
that i am remembered for alllll the kindness and fun i gave
not for the pain i didnt mean to cause"
Right, that's all that I get. I'm not supposed to change the way I think about you, even though somehow you just ripped yourself away from me and have decided to not answer my calls ever again. Yeah. I'm supposed to just think of you the same. Yeah, I've gotta remember alllllll the kindness and fun you gave, right? Like how you didn't have time for me because you were too busy hanging out with your awesome GVHS friends, that weren't even nice to me. Or how you couldn't even save me a seat next to you at pizza street with all your paintball buddies. How you can blow my dance off and apparently not even remember, how you can ignore my calls for weeks when you get mono. Yeah, you know, whatever. Must have been easy to leave behind. Setting an anniversary date that begins even before we had a chance to end.
Oh well. Yours was always the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to.
"So while they choke on their nostalgia for childhood days, I'm going to try to remember that you're just a forgettable one of many.
"Disposable; like me."
A year and a half.
I don't care what you say. I don't care if some of those days you didn't actually think of me. I don't care whether or not you deem it a conscious decision.
Every morning you chose her over me.
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