a waste of flesh

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:35:16 GMT

I dunno. I guess I fell in love and nothing much else matters

i am heavy; i am tired

Mon, 14 May 2007 04:51:32 GMT

I'm a jigsaw puzzle you half-attempt to solve
on rainy days when you've run out of things to do
or a paint-by-number that you started
but tired of brushes and acrylics

I'm the novel you always meant to finish

I need you to piece me together
I need you to fill me in

You're just skimming the pages,
scanning the lines -

I'm an option, I'm a safe bet
I'm the well that never runs dry

I need consideration
I need you to close my spaces
I let you in
and you locked me down
put weights in my shoes

I am heavy
I am tired
I am your marionette

I'm the girl that is always climbing a mountain to you
my love, I'm always climbing a mountain to you

But I'm your sometimes
I'm your maybe;

I know I'm nothing but rough edges,

and that song you only hum when you're sad.

tried my hardest to keep it all in

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 17:20:33 GMT

I had nightmares last night,
and today I listened to Neva Dinova,
and I felt like his voice.

There's a bomb going off,
out in the yard of the house,
when we worked so hard to pull all the weeds out...
Get back.

Maybe we started dating too soon. Your loose ends weren't even tied up, and still don't seem to be. Maybe I should have let you take care of that first. What are the chances that I was single? How did you even manage to catch me between boys? What if I would have been dating someone?

I've never chosen anyone over you.
I've never chosen anyone over you.
I've never chosen anyone over you.

Imagine me poetically breaking up with you in a myspace comment and then disappearing. Just

gone

for a year and a half. Dating some guy you think is crap. Dating xxxxx for christsakes.

The reason I'm usually okay is the same reason I'm okay with everything else from my past. Those days are missing from the calendar in my head. Those days are colored over with a black permanent marker, blocked in, locked out, safely contained in an unopenable file cabinet in the recesses of my mind.

But something leaks out, occasionally. Something manages to get to me. Sometimes I just think of how I felt, how I read your words over and over and how useless I felt, and how wrong I felt, and how I knew then that I could never do anything right.

I made you leave me.
I made you leave me.
I made you leave me.

My mind gets stuck on a simple sentence and won't let go, it repeats and repeats until finally sleep shows some mercy and visits my closed eyelids and my tensed shoulders.

I couldn't make you stay.

The thought of you, and the thought of her...and how she didn't even deserve you, you know, she didn't even treat you right.

Or is that just something you tell me to make this okay? Was she not begging for your forgiveness at the very same time we started exchanging cute little small talk?

Was that familiar for you, is that how you always plan on doing it? Will it always be that easy for you to slide from one girl into the next?

"i was driving behind an old truck today so old it had a wooden tailgate. the driver was pretty old too and i saw the silhouette of his dog in the passenger seat and i thought, you know, that's me in 40 years, my dog beside me in a beat-up truck. i won't need anyone else just like i don't need them now, kind of like how i don't need you either. i was thinking about it earlier, when i took a shower because i couldn't sleep, i thought "this is me washing you away." down my shoulders, hips, calves, off you go with every drop. every single fucking drop i'm just trying to make them rinse you off. maybe it worked, probably not, but whether it did or didn't i'm pretending i'm over it, over you, this is me not caring when you don't call me back."

Ah, how easy it was for you! I am easy to leave behind, aren't I? I am so for away and I demand so much effort and oh goddamnit, look at me, I don't even appreciate you, do I, tarnishing your name in my Livejournal like I do. Goddamnit, I don't even appreciate you. Yeah, I'm sure it was easy to leave that behind. I'm sure Amanda played a swift and convincing seduction, I'm sure you willingly closed your eyes to me and my distasteful words.

But would you look at that? Want to analyze that one more time? Want to get more out of it than only what your selfish eyes forced you to deduce? It is so obviously a cry, asking for your attention, it is a PLEA. I am BEGGING you to let it work.

But no. My plea is ignored, attacked even, the catalyst for your words serving to break us apart.

"i hope that you read all of this
i hope that you think of me
as you thought of me then
i hope this clears my name in your head
so that i am not cursed anywhere
that i am remembered for alllll the kindness and fun i gave
not for the pain i didnt mean to cause"

Right, that's all that I get. I'm not supposed to change the way I think about you, even though somehow you just ripped yourself away from me and have decided to not answer my calls ever again. Yeah. I'm supposed to just think of you the same. Yeah, I've gotta remember alllllll the kindness and fun you gave, right? Like how you didn't have time for me because you were too busy hanging out with your awesome GVHS friends, that weren't even nice to me. Or how you couldn't even save me a seat next to you at pizza street with all your paintball buddies. How you can blow my dance off and apparently not even remember, how you can ignore my calls for weeks when you get mono. Yeah, you know, whatever. Must have been easy to leave behind. Setting an anniversary date that begins even before we had a chance to end.

Oh well. Yours was always the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to.

"So while they choke on their nostalgia for childhood days, I'm going to try to remember that you're just a forgettable one of many.

"Disposable; like me."

A year and a half.
I don't care what you say. I don't care if some of those days you didn't actually think of me. I don't care whether or not you deem it a conscious decision.
Every morning you chose her over me.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 22:07:34 GMT

This is the boy that my user info is about, as well as most of my April-June 2005 entries.

(April 8, 2005
II.
it's my midnight almond peace cereal and soymilk after a thirty-minute drive home from your house. my parents for once always knowing where i am, mud tracks in every room she doesn't care. & i'm not sure about anything but this, I can't write about hipbones, about shins, forearms but i can say it's real, it's real your small-town accent and my big-city dreams. traces of your coconut bathroom soap on my palms, it's in the grooves of my knuckles and lifelines. can i just tell you to keep your fingertips on my waist? hips against mine? & i'll keep my eyes on the stars, feet on your gravel ground.)

He's back, and he is wonderful, and he writes me little poems, and life is amazing.

"...ah, the completeness i feel!

the love you have given to me is the single most
belonging
love i have ever felt.
you have accepted me as no one else will.
you have patched my broken spirit,
mended my lonely wing.
i only ask to return the favor
for as long as you'll let me.
i tell you this because i believe that
this is perfect. "

And he's right.
It is.

(And, how incredible is that?
I mean, really..
how lucky are we?)

/end cheesiness

not that long ago

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 17:43:12 GMT

1.
I light your fire with a spark from my own
only to watch it grow bigger and brighter
and warmer than mine could hope to be.

2.
I think even then we realized the bittersweet transience of our days as we hovered over the same train tracks I sit above now. Melancholy howls would erupt from below in random intervals, suddenly and briefly halting the conversation to pull our obliging eyes to the forgotten industrial wasteland below. Every night we claimed the same place on an elevated ledge hidden from view, wine glass or flask in hand, letting the setting sun bathe us in the colors it chose for the evening. I may be romanticizing the past, but let's not forget that we've never been able to replace the sense of camaraderie that those days brought us.

But I'll keep this short. I'm writing with your rules but my sense of simplicity. Is it grammatically correct enough for you? Have your advanced English classes taught you well and given you enough credits to cash in for your feeling of Success? Here's to hoping you find the peak of your mountain one day, and that it's not too lonely up there at the top.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 00:52:58 GMT

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Make money. Drank JAMESON. Lived with a boy. Painted pictures (they sucked). Attracted men ten years older than myself. Tried heroin (just kidding). Got braces. Woot. Spoke entirely in acronyms. Slept outside, for weeks. While it was raining. Flaming shots.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make resolutions. And I won't make them this time, either.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uhh. No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Beautiful ones, beautiful ones with intricate forests. But really it was all in my head.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Great sex. Just kidding.

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't tend to remember dates. October 21st, for fuckin' sure. And I remember January 1st. And I remember getting my braces and going to the park and taking pictures.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a good job. Not dying.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not going to school.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yeah, I was sick, a lot. Too much party too little sleep.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Surround sound. Wii. Ipod. Nintendo DS. haha

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Eh, I don't know. People tend to disappoint me. Daniel, though. That merits celebration.

13. Whose behavior left you grossed out and depressed?
Stef sometimes. Amos. Christopher, for a while.

14. Where did most of your money go?
IN THIS ORDER: RENT, FOOD, ALCOHOL, ELECTRONICS, BILLS, DRUGS. Okay, j/k on that last one. maybe.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting rowdy! Taking trips!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Aw man. Album of the Year, Seventy Times 7, You Know How I Do. Right guys, right?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Umm. Happier, mostly thanks to Daniel.

17.5. Richer or poorer?
Definitely richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking. HA JUST KIDDING!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I saw Apocalypto...it was good.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yeah, actually. Yeah.

22. How many one-night stands?
How do you define that? Does that mean you meet someone, sleep with them, and then never see them again? If so, then none. I didn't do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I didn't watch TV in 2006. I watched the Grey's Anatomy DVD though. That kicked ass.

24. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?
I bet I do. Can't think of anyone though. "Dislike" is a bit strong. Usually it's more like "complete indifference."

25. What was the best book you read?
The Fountainhead! Read that shit, people!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
How about most frequently played? I bet it's Saves the Day. How much do you hate me? Stupid elitists..

27. What did you want and get?
Recreational goodness.

28. What did you want and not get?
Recreational goodness.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
blahh. Pi. ahaha

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19, and I ate a little ice cream cake then went about my usual business. Yep, that's about right.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably better?
Ignoring boys, not drinking so much, Daniel talking to me sooner..

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
The "I-really-don't-give-a-fuck" style. And then, occasionally, getting all sexed up and nice-dressed with Alex to go out on the town.

33. What kept you sane?
Drugs and liquor and the people there with me through it all. Those stupid people who put up with me for god-knows-why.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I know nothing about such things.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage, duh. But my political feathers aren't easily ruffled, so...

36. Who did you miss?
Amos and Chris for a while. Alex when he would go out of town, but Stef always stood in for him. :) Daniel.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
The kids on Wayne. Sam and Sharon. Gah, I didn't really make many new friends this year. Stef. The GV/BS kids I've been hanging out with recently.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?
Limit your alcohol intake goddamnit!

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"We started laughing 'til it didn't hurt,
we started laughing 'til it didn't hurt,
we started laughing 'til it didn't hurt..."

PART TWO

Name: ...

AGE: 19

YEAR: 2006

***** PLACES:

1. PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR: Apartment on Clark. 905 Jefferson St. Grain Valley...

2. FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED: Eh, my downtown apartment I suppose. And my new house.

3. PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES: No one our age goes on dates. Alex and I have had quite a few Khan party of twos, however. Aixois and La Bodega being two favorites.

4. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR: the balcony on Clark. Yes!

5. PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN (OR MORE?) THIS YEAR: My bed, other beds, basement, couch, balcony, bathroom, hot tub, car...while driving, car...while Daniel's driving, behind a car, in the backseat of a car...while alex and blake were watching, tent, park, shower...

***** PEOPLE:

1. PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU A LOT THIS YEAR: Hmm, I'm not sure...I think Alex and I grew together a lot, though, and Stef and Daniel, Rachel and Robyn, Andrew, Matt and Chris, I don't know. You learn from everything, really. I learned a lot from David, too.

2. AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR: Ha. Daniel Miller, that's who.

3. PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF: Daniel. Stefany, David, Andrew, Robyn, Steven. Cool. Sometimes people are nice to me.

4. PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT): ohhh, everyone. For putting up with me.

5. PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR: Probably Alex. Robyn, Chris and Matt during the Summer, or whenever that was. Rachel. Daniel rand the boys, recently.

6. PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT): I suck at that stuff. I don't do anything great. I showered Daniel with Christmas presents?

7. SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR: Ehh, Asia. But I suck.

8. SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS YEAR: ...

9. OLD ENEMIES YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR: Well, Steve and I were quasi-enemies for a while. Weren't we? Hi Steve! And then Amanda and me, are we enemies? I was certainly attacked. But I remain indifferent. Oh and I sure pissed Stef etc off for a while..

10. SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR: Eh, a few friends, I suppose. But it's just something I do. But no one I know died or anything. Thank...goodness.

11. PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR: Let's see who I can remember. A, C, R, S, J, D, S, D, J, A, K, and D. Probably shouldn't kiss and tell full names on MySpace. Hmm. Oh well. And I thought I had a calm year. Daniel, though, that's all that matters.

12. PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST: ALEX, ANDREW, CHRIS, MATT, AND CO. GODDAMN WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES!

13. PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY THE MOST: the most? Oh, I'm not sure. I haven't cried too too much though. Actually, I just don't remember.

14. PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH: ?????

15. PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR: Ha! Like I have that kind of attention span. Besides, it would be awfully sad if I crushed on someone that long without convincing them to date me. I mean, shit.

16. SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO: I don't know. Probably someone. I'd have to think about it. Maybe Emily or David, but I don't know.

17. PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH: Myself. Because I'd date me. Even when no one else is willing to. Thanks.

18. FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH ALOT: The same people I keep mentioning in all the other answers.

19. COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR: I haven't met that many people! Stef!
***** STUFF:

1. CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE THE MOST THIS YEAR: My shoes? Everything? Because I tend to wear an outfit for a week before retiring it to the wash?

2. NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR: I don't know. Cookbooks from Stef. Daniel got me an awesome scarf. My mom made a blanket with my tattoo on it...really weird and cool. And bought me a bowler hat. By the way, I'm thinking of making it my signature accessory. A constant bowler hat. And a peacoat. Then I'll be more eccentric than ever. And it'll start a trend. Just you wait.

3. FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR: Lots. I'll sing them for you, if we go on a roadtrip.

4. COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR: That party on Rachel's birthday was a blast...wow. And camping in the woods with mushrooms.

5. NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR: Drankin'. Oh wait. That started a long time ago.

6. BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR: The Fountainhead! The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Something Wicked This Way Comes. And others! Books are the shit!

7. BEST MOVIE: Pi. ahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

8. MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: News? News...I don't know.

9. FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR: Whiskey. Tapas. Café Au Laits. That tuna I had at Circe. The asparagus at Thomas. Tapas, and dulce de leche cake for dessert. Enchiladas. Spaghetti Squash. Lots of stuff.

10. FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR: I'm getting bored.

***** LESSONS:

1. WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: Ha! Not much.

2. STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: Spent a lot of money.

3. BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR: found daniel

4. BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR: A chase towards Wichita.

5. SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY: Uh. Sometimes ya just gotta give up.

6. GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR: Love is good.

7. BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR: hahaha...oh my...the raunchy, politically incorrect ones that always came up whenever you got a group of tipsy rowdy guys around.

8 . BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR: meeeeee

9. BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR: blessing?

10. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD: I do what I want! And no one can stop me! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE, and uncontained, and what a horrible responsibility to have, you know, having to take care of yourself. Moving out at seventeen was absurd!

11. BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL: People are easy. Making friends is easy. But on that note, IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND A BOY TO BE PLATONIC FRIENDS WITH. Control your hormones! Or something.

***** AND LASTLY!

1. GOALS/DREAMS FOR NEXT YEAR: Continue evolving and progressing with Daniel, and Rachel. Slightly improve my self-worth. Learn empathy. Other stuff? Wow this was exciting. Bet you're delighted you read it..

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 16:25:37 GMT

Ah, but with everything, or rather, outside of everything...there is you.

And I am so, so, so sorry for disappointing you. Ah, assumptions, I'm sorry; I meant Haven't I disappointed you? La la la lalala predictable endings. Don't you travel towards Wichita though, you ghost of mine, favorite delicacy of mine, rare and boundless and electric-fenced girl of mine.

Soco Ameretto Lime

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 16:23:16 GMT

...And that's how it was! Don't you remember? Thank you for the lazy Summer days, spent doing nothing together, because we were just young enough to have no pressing responsibilities. In the beginning, the very firsts, there were Julian Summers and Andy Ramsey and Chad, and I still have the perfect picture in my head of the three of you, one two three, sitting on the couch in the otherwise bare apartment. Oh, October!! What you held will never be seen again! I am seventeen, and drunk and dumb, and I barely know Devon's name, and I barely notice Kill Bill on in the background; these are the days, those strange days, where I kiss a boy and move into the next room and kiss a different boy. "No lies just love" scrawled on the window in dripping green ink that I think many of us will never forget. And how much I cared about Christopher, and Alex, and Matt, and all four of us; the Final Fantasy nights, Matthew beating Super Mario all in one go, Andrew doing the same with Starfox. Ahh...all the quotes we began forgetting long ago, already. DTBFA! All the acronyms, NTIM. Kyle crawling on the floor, "I'm not drunk, look at him!!" Emily and me, oh Emily, eating mushrooms and becoming best friends for the night. Making an adventure out of traveling two rooms away to the kitchen. And how silly we would have looked, had anyone else been there, and how still it was probably the best trip I've had...oh, mushrooms. Eating the entire eighth at the Savitar show in Lawrence. And from that I just remember Alex and me, just Alex and me, standing in such a crowd, facing the band made of our best friends. Ah...all the bottles we collected, stashed on the balcony, paper grocery sacks full of empty glass waiting to be recycled. The handle of Viaka that took forever to finish, something you only drank when there wasn't anything else to drink; and still, only then if you were really desperate. The 151!! The flaming shots, "Crecia, Emily won't let us do flaming shots..." And how I was scared, but I tried it anyway. The Bailey's. The Kahlua Especial. Matthew and I making White Russians. Discovering a love of whiskey! Makers Mark and how much money we'd spend every weekend! The Rumplemints Peppermint Schnapps! And how Christopher thought he could gargle it without consequence...nope. How odd they were, "Punch me, as hard as you can! I will thank you for it tomorrow." All the people in and out all the time, "Your apartment is not a frat house...nor is it a turnstile at the county fair..." But really, that's how we saw it, isn't it? How we could count how many people spent the night, and it was well over a dozen? Little Chris turning sixteen, and how mortified he was the next day? Or the Bacardi Limon, all the screwdrivers, and trying LSD and mescaline...and Liz, how she was so young but what can you do? And Josh Nessari and his Jack Daniels, oh, the Jack...the Red Stripe, the PBR, the bokens. Bradford and all the wine we drank, and all the trips right down the street to Nichol's. Our Christmas tree, and how it lingered for months and months afterwards; the guitar incident; all the walks down 39th street to Crave Cafe. Inde-Nick, Jeff-Hollywood, the awesome mornings, everyone in a weird, great mood, collectively understanding how utterly fucked up we had been the night before. Cramming as many people as possible on each bed. Deciding who to sleep next to. The forts we made out of pillows! Yes, "Let's make a fort!" Sleeping outside on the balcony every single night, my god, the thunderstorms, perhaps my favorite part of this entire year...the lightning, and the rain. Sometimes it would reach us and sometimes it wouldn't. Either way, we stayed, we loved it, being outside and being together as much as possible. Robyn spending every waking moment with me. Andrew becoming way more than just a randy. David. Always the observer, right? With his camera and camcorder, catching us in acts we probably wouldn't want to recall on screen. The early days, with Devon and David; or I remember curled up in the chair, won't you go away, but I have John on one side and David on the other. Emily says, "Why are you here?" She always knew how little I wanted boys around, how little of their affection for me I returned. John! And who knows how old he was...27, or something, but it doesn't matter, but I made dinner for the three of us, younger by 7 and 10 years, but how you both loved me all the same...and my spaghetti squash with balsamic beans. The enchiladas I would make. How I had the hugest crush on Stefany and I wanted to do everything right around her. How much I cooked and baked, always from scratch, usually turning out well. How I haven't cooked since, at all. The dishes. MY GOD, the dishes. And how much I hated Emily; and she stopped bringing anyone around me, you take everyone, this is always "CRECIA'S apartment, I am invisible." Emily and Lorren. Ahhh. And how I hated it, and tripping, "What does he think about at night? Isn't he sad? Isn't he lonely?" And how everyone could see what was going on except her. The nights we'd have forty people over. With random scarves and ties and sweatshirts always left accidentally, almost never seeing their owner again. And we didn't make any money, at all, but it didn't matter. We managed to afford the apartment and somehow that was always all we ever needed. How Alex and I were practically attached at the hip, and our plans for Taos that I think I knew would never actually happen. Drunken walks to Sunfresh to buy more booze; calm evenings, "We don't need to get fucked up to have fun!", turning into the rowdiest nights we'd ever experienced. The hookah night, all of us bonding over pot and flavored tobacco. And I could convince the boys to drink Smirnoff with me every once in a while, because remember, I am a girl, and I do like those girly drinks...watching the weirdest movies. Oooh, this is Criterion Collection! I remember Pi, but not much else. Watching early morning cartoons with Trevor, who stopped talking to me for reasons unknown. Ah, every boy I've ever liked back has always suddenly and inexplicably stopped talking to me. But the others linger for years...pulling an all-nighter to drive to Warrensburg to bail Trey out of Jail...with Bright Eyes on the radio and your heart in your hands. And the Winter, when having a party would always just depend on my mood...the loneliness. The crazy vibe we all created in a place that will somehow never be around again...how we really thought, I think, that we would stay eighteen forever. And we did keep it going, for a while, you know...we did try; but I guess even that only worked for so long, right? And eighteen, now I only have a week of you left to go.

touching you I start to bloom

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 15:16:45 GMT

Please, listen to me: I never want you to think this is something you can't get out of. I don't want to cage you in or pin you down; I am here not to confine you, but to do the opposite. So don't ever wait to find a reason to tell me that this isn't what you want. If I am ever wasting your time then I am also wasting my own; kinder of you to let me know than to wander searching for the right moment to break the news. I want you to do as you wish and say what you mean without fear of treading too roughly or compromising yourself. At once if this becomes less than wholehearted I'll want nothing more; half-attempts lead nowhere and it's best not to bother with them at all.

Rarely does Winter bring new beginnings, but this is renewal stronger than Spring. We'll see where this takes us; I've nothing but love.

(Winter nights:)

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:14:12 GMT

There's a certain suffocation
makes me dizzy

when I close my eyes
fragments of sentences like
binary code form split-second
images triggers that keep
tears rolling down my cheeks.

THE WEIGHT;

something consumes me

Unbearable force it's closing in
it closes in
it closes in
it crushes my stomach
it crushes
me it's hard to breathe.

But I can't fight something
that isn't really there.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:34:57 GMT

Dear Daniel:
I have this figured out; I have reconciled. Bittersweet, sweetheart, I am not bitter, virulent, vindictive. To delight simply in another's existence is something to embrace, and now: I can give all of myself without losing myself; that is the difference between them and me. I am open-palmed, I am open-armed; you're back from the dead and I've nothing to fear. I'm as solid and sure as they come, and I'll never ask anything from you...our only limit is the ticking of the clock, but I've come prepared. This will be what you make of it, my dear. You've learned what love is not.

C

Irony himself in a rocking chair

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 23:10:08 GMT

Mmm...predictable as a Disney movie, and classic too.

Familiarity breeds; & nice guys finish last. But it's MYSELF vs. ATTRACTION (this nagging, tap tap tapping), and then I'll be okay.

I am tired of everyone wasting so much time. I am tired; but I refuse to sleep while the sun shines us outdoors. Of unforgivable wastes of days, I am tired; of wasted energy, effort, wasted hope. I am not one for hope. I am made of hollow columns, flimsy and cheap. My heart is a show-and-tell organ, complete with plastic chambers and valves.

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I can sit in the same spot for hours, and it's just as well. I'm sure my night will be spent with lingering, relentless Irony, always overstaying his welcome. We tie our own noose, though, we always swallow the key; and who can be blamed? Sometimes, the crave for finality is too great to fight.

I could sleep forever...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 00:15:17 GMT

I may have never aptly described this...this inevitable annual occurrence.
This is a sickness, but unique; when infected, you've no desire to be well. You have not lost hope; rather, you have never known it. Everything and all of life - faded, monotone. A wave of complete desaturation washes over you, unstoppable, but quietly, swift. And shades of grey do not evoke emotion.
I am a straight-jacket patient, seeking not escape nor movement, retreating further away from tangible reality - an inmate, but I've been prisoner of none but myself.

And I cannot lift the weight of my eyelids;
gravity pulls so hard on such a fragile body.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 23:21:38 GMT

What happens when someone decides to destroy the very pretense that your relationship was built upon? Are you going to blame this one on me? I guess it doesn't matter. I am not subject to ruination as I was at sixteen years old, vulnerable, freshly impressionable, melted and ready to mold myself from the crevices of your sentences.

This is all too difficult to explain. There are things I have forgotten and things you can only know by sleeping so close to someone.

But yeah, I guess it doesn't matter. What people hear will always be a source of dirty, second-hand information; connotations like footnotes when they see me coming. But regardless of my initial intentions or clear-headed conscience, what is out of my control must be left to run it's path.

Anyway, this weekend was productive, my place looks entirely different and I finally have a system to play music. An awesome system that sounds great. I even made a little something for someone, which is good because I tend to struggle with my creativity. And I'm spending lots of time with my best friend and it feels good, and there are lots of places I like to go and people I am always excited to see. I am going to move in a few months and life is going to be very different. Until then, I'm loving it here.

This is how I like my Autumn nights.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 17:21:19 GMT

Some albums are better listening to in the backseat. Happy, high, my body rides the waves of the thumping bass line, my mind wrapped around the melody. I like where this is going. Here, I am biding my time, almost holding my breath for when I think I'm on my feet well enough to start to run. Don't you think of other places? I need someone to travel with...
She is right, I am tired of groping hands, and of these people always trying to own something. Do you know what I think? Every time your sweaty palm tries hard to creep up my shirt, or your tongue is slipping between my lips? Lost without a map, you're no Columbus; and I'm uncharted ground. When did you last wash your hands?
All of this is forced. I'm trying to untie my creativity from your marionette rods, you lift and I walk, you tire and I crumble, lifeless. But I am only ever writing half the truth, and maybe it's why I've pushed a few away. But no worries, for I've never much invested, and what you take is yours to keep.
Ha! And I love the analytical turn when they know there's no hope for what they wish I had in store. I am not here to captivate! Ruins are not to conquer! And A. is inching closer on the couch, three years to change and you're still trying to touch my leg.
Ugh.
Really, I'm not so frustrated. There's someone I adore, but I'll keep it to myself. I just hope you take to me.

david

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 14:31:14 GMT

You and I are masters of coincidence and juxtaposition. Fitting, then, that what would once start our relationship would also end it; RENT saw our beginning and our twilight; a curtain itself, opening and closing an act. Or how you would let me pretend, for a while, how I would play grown-up with packed lunches and we were settled and happy...but maybe I am no actress, because the truth would somehow show: I was always too young to appreciate you. But how I loved the idea of you on the other side of the world! With you as far away from me as possible, we are creating an extreme opposite; some sort of weapon to brandish, an invisible line from your body to mine. A tripwire to defeat lumbering obstacles. But I always said, people like you always leave, and it's no fault of your own; but my weary soul has just grown tired of wandering. Thank you for everything, and for your patience. Especially your patience. Goodbye, and I love you. (But twice as much if you forget me.)

hors-concours

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 17:29:38 GMT

It is always raining when I have to leave you.
And an hour later, I'm puking, and 4am is still bringing empty heaves. Fitting; but I hurt all over, and my body isn't working properly.

This whole notebook is yours, and I'm sure someday I'll mail it but
love is so easy to ignore.
"When you are gone, I am always left wondering, have you left everyone, or have you left me? or have you just left me?"
I am laughably naive.

But I must say goodbye; it is nearing November now, and I've lost an entire year.
Are you even listening?:
(I know I'm never saying much, but I'm always soaking you in as you pour you out.)
Je dois vous dire au revoir.

You've no idea how much I love you.

(no answer...)

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:11:46 GMT

You've given all of this so little chance to manifest into anything other than typewritten words. Therefore, can I even argue its existence? Is it any more than my imagination, me creating things in my mind? Oh, I fear! Shall I at least write it in letters and postmail it home? But do I even know the numbers of your residence? Oh! My beloved boy of the shadows! I wish you'd emerge into the clearing so I could see you a little better, feel your warmth and prove you are REAL. I've sat through this silence, patient and still, but one will only last on dreams and sleep so long. Tell me, what will it take? What will it take to keep you?

my best friends

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 08:02:47 GMT

Consider yourself uninvited. (The truth is, I'm disappointed in all of you.)

Your slimy words falling thick from your glossy lips, skirts just long enough to hide your secrets.
I'd rather brush dust from these volumes than have you REFLECTING ALL OVER ME.
Hideous in all your vanity, and you can't even stand yourself. Shadow puppets and marionettes will cross these states with me, and I'd say I'm in better hands.

"People are better than that, you know,"
but I'm not buying it.

I AM MY OWN PARODY.

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 23:24:26 GMT

IF I SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS, WILL YOU LISTEN?

Where do I put his bracelet now? I am on autopilot, won't someone please INTERRUPT ME?
You'll start writing her instead, go ahead, DEVELOP HER CHARACTER. Such humanity!, she loves everyone. But something is not SPECIAL if it isn't RESERVED.
Like your palm smooth slipping down the notches of my spine when I let you, just remember to remember I don't feel.
Like the no-response days when I was younger; after my blank face realized nothing they said was worth the breath expended to answer. I can't be therapied away. Unmovable,

and every word gives you more weight than I can afford.

What?
CAN'T YOU READ BETWEEN MY LINES?

Won't you come here darling and let me say how every night you're retold. I've got your cold spot saved and waiting, and you can tell how it is to have aching for you places you'll never revisit.
And after all this, you're nearly pure fiction; but we all need someone to blame. I never liked your morning-after tone of voice, and IS THIS VAGUE ENOUGH?, I'm glass and getting dusty; better shattered than ignored.

random sentences

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 23:17:01 GMT

silence is appropriate more often than most people seem to realize. virtuosity is not a selfless endeavor, and if i were afraid of people, it would be for their inconsistency. fear is instead expectation turns into truth every time. they always change their minds, about me. and when she calls me cynical, it only proves her naivety but i'm practicing this indifference. you'll be neither kind nor just, to not grant one the mercy that is begged for is almost inhuman especially for an uncommitted crime, but let us not be hypocritical. (death to your ego!, they proclaim, displaying books of regurgitated ideas and poorly written ideals.) i am not good at missing things, just adapting to their absence. but like a child that doesn't understand that death means forever, i eagerly await your return;

I AM NOT ABSTRACT ENOUGH FOR YOU.

us, the end.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 23:14:59 GMT

My body tenses slightly, anticipating the crack of thunder that will follow the light flashing through my closed eyelids. Mist reaches the skin of my back and I decide this many blankets isn't excessive - tonight the lightning is close and the wind is cold. Switching positions in your sleep, you'll be stiff in the morning and I wish I could prevent it. I read you well, gentleman;
and this is all we'll ever be.

So brace yourself, because failure is harder to face than we imagine. I lean my head forward and feel a lingering sickness - it's been weeks now, and still there's a feeling like chlorine water in my nose and down my throat. Makes me think maybe I should take better care of myself, you know; and maybe so should you.

seed beads

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 23:35:58 GMT

Haha...barely hours after he tells me I'm so apathetic I'm not a human, Do I even have human emotions, there I am, lying in the same spot again, tears rolling. So not only do I have emotions, but they're basically irrational, so I've been crying the past couple days, so what. Sadness is just another emotion just like pain is just another sensation, something not necessarily to be avoided but to learn from, hopefully in moderation. I hate how you always make me feel awkward for caring but half the time you say exactly the right thing. Here, I made you ten bracelets, I hope you like one.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 18:03:05 GMT

I'm used to response without meaning, to replying without thinking...so if my words are too strong for now, I'm sorry. (Insert here evidence of your association with me. I'll keep it to myself, as you wish.)

Shhh...I'm a secret, amongst jaded hands.

The "psuedo-intellectuals" -
the ones who matter. I know you saw them listening, almost in awe at the undeniable inaccessability of our images and ideas; wringing their hands over something they've created but failed to tame.

And the seamlessness of our false acceptance (music box, a phone call)...falls nothing short of impressive. I think, maybe, we gain something from our pretense and trickery: enjoyment from twisting our untruth and expressions into something mistook for gratitude, a rush from our empty words being heard as something real.

And as for the others? Well, I'll never let them in. Here's to our introspective nights, spent in appreciation of good books and great friends. I've all I need.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 04:20:29 GMT

And for a moment, I was him. Staring, blank, into my computer screen, fingers on the keys. Ignoring the dark images that danced at the corners of my eyes, teasing my peripheral vision.

I cried; I'd crashed. Just a couple tears. Everything proving that recently, there's no ground between giddy and hopeless.